If you keep up with the news today, you undoubtedly know of the extraordinary perils of our time, from wars and rumors of wars to the deepening divisions and decline…

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Childhood can be hard even in the best of times. Children are inherently at a power disadvantage, still learning how to manage their emotions, and at the will of adults for food, shelter, and emotional regulation. Frustration, failure, and conflict are unavoidable, but not necessarily bad for children in the long run.

But children today face some uniquely difficult conditions, from school shootings (or the threat of them), to the looming threat of climate change, to the pandemic uprooting their sense of structure, control, and predictability. The accumulation of these overwhelming events, occurring on a regular basis—not to mention the additional very real challenges that many children face at home—could contribute to what some call “small T-trauma” (a term I admittedly don’t love). This can in some cases alter the structure of a child’s brain to be hyper-alert to attempt to control their environment or avoid future pain.

What Do We Mean by Trauma, and How Does it Impact the Brain?

Trauma is often misunderstood as impacting just a small subset of the population, but it actually may be much more common than people realize. Approximately 64 percent of adults in the United States report having experienced at least one adverse childhood experience (ACE) before age 18, and one in six individuals report having four or more ACEs.

It is also not necessarily the event itself that is traumatic, but the way that event is experienced by the mind and body. Physician Gabor Maté often says, “Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.” The traumatic stress response is characterized by physiological dysregulation, which can cause a cascade of symptoms that include hypervigilance, increased heart rate, shallow and rapid breathing, warping of time, and severely reduced ability to control fear, emotionality, and perception.

While current definitions of trauma symptoms fall primarily under the heading of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), there is a growing recognition of a related condition, complex PTSD (C-PTSD). Unlike PTSD, which is typically the product of a singular extremely traumatizing event (e.g., a war or a violent attack), C-PTSD is the product of chronic conditions (e.g. ongoing abuse, domestic violence, or neglect), and is often linked to early childhood trauma. Adverse childhood events can underlie these conditions in some cases.

It’s important to remember that just because someone experiences an adverse event, it doesn’t necessarily mean they will develop a diagnosable trauma-related disorder; however, it does make it more likely.

Designing Places That Are Trauma-Informed

Humans spend approximately 90 percent of our time indoors—meaning that the built spaces we inhabit have an outsized impact on our lives. The places where we spend our days can offer wonderful ways to soothe us and help people cope with triggers—or they can exacerbate existing struggles and make it even harder for people to feel OK.

Trauma-informed design is a design process intended to help people regulate their bodies and minds to support the processes and practices that take place within the building. It can be applied to therapeutic spaces but also schools, workplaces, homes, and beyond.

Trauma-sensitive design is a step towards normalizing self-regulation as a part of coping with stressful environments. Trauma-informed design can benefit most people, not just those who have been traumatized, since its principles are rooted in evolutionary psychology and the biology of human well-being. Although it will likely be years or decades before we fully understand how the pandemic, climate change, and ongoing school shootings have affected today’s children, there are many who believe the need for trauma-informed design will only increase in the coming years.

Here, I’ll focus on schools and other places of learning for children, from early childhood to high school. I’ll outline six core themes to consider when designing spaces with a trauma-informed approach, based on the trauma-informed principles defined by The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), as well as specific evidence-based design strategies and examples to help any parent, teacher, school administrator, designer, loved one, or community member advocate for schools that support the mental well-being of children. It’s my hope that this article helps explain what trauma-informed design means, why it matters, and how it can be used in schools.

Faux green wall creates biophilic element. Clear wall creates transparency and openness with auditory control. Drop lights support coziness and comfort, with natural light streaming in on the wooden beams of the ceiling.

Source: HKS INC.

1. Safety

Creating a feeling of safety and comfort is essential for children to learn or, for that matter, for any of us to focus on anything besides our immediate survival. This is especially true for individuals who have experienced trauma and who have difficulty feeling safe or regulating their nervous system. The environment can help support this through numerous means, including the following strategies.

• Sensitive and predictable: Attention to sensory needs and sensitivities (e.g., loud noises, lighting glare) and transitions. This includes adequate lighting on paths of travel, parking lots, bathrooms, etc.
• Calm corner: Provide an area of reduced stimulation where students can go to regulate themselves. Features like a soft area rug, a pillow, and soft lighting can help offer a feeling of safety.

• Biophilia and nature: Opportunities to connect with and view nature and natural elements naturally calm and ground us.

2. Trustworthiness and Transparency

Trust and transparency are important to support the building and maintenance of healthy relationships and experiences at school. The environment can help support this through numerous means, including the following strategies:

• Welcoming: This could include an entryway that offers a degree of transparency or visibility to feel like you know what you are going into and that you’re welcome there.
• Wayfinding: The school design supports the ease of finding one’s destination, including signage, color, and symbols that are age-friendly to help you navigate.
• Storage: Ample storage to allow for supplies to be put away in an orderly way helps to reduce visual clutter, which can be overwhelming for someone who is in a chronic state of hypervigilance.

3. Peer Support

Peer support is about opportunities for people going through similar experiences to support each other. Part of any good design is its ability to facilitate the best coping mechanisms humans have: connection with one another. The environment can help support this through numerous means, including the following strategies.

• Adaptable furnishings: Space provides flexible layouts that allow for multiple small or large group arrangements, and customization of the space.
• Shared space: Creating shared outdoor and indoor spaces that are designed for mixing and collaborating on external learning and play activities (e.g., art, sports, reading), can be a great way to overcome barriers and connect.
• Equitable provisions: Avoid creating a hierarchy between parts of the school, which can make certain students—for example, those with limited mobility or who use assisted meal programs—feel othered or excluded.

4. Collaboration and Mutuality

Integrating students, teachers, parents, and administrators is important to help people feel a sense of mutual respect. The environment can help support this through numerous means, including the following strategies:

• Better together: Times when the teachers or administrators can come out from behind a desk, office wall, or podium, and instead join the students in reading circles, playful activities, and vulnerable moments, to support an understanding that we’re all in this together.
• Accessibility: Does the space support ease of mobility for all occupants including those with mobility impairments and other disabling conditions (e.g., compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act and beyond)?
• Human scale: Creating thresholds, niches, and spaces that help children big and small to feel safe and comfortable in their space.

Small reading nooks provide a great example of human scale for children at the Smithfield Elementary School.

Source: HKS INC.

5. Empowerment, Voice, Choice

This is about how an individual’s strengths and experiences are recognized and built upon. Creating small opportunities to control one’s environment and demonstrate mastery is helpful. The environment can help support this through numerous means, including the following strategies:

• Flexibility: The ability to customize the lighting, where one sits, or how loud a space is allows us to feel a measure of control that helps all of us regulate and feel calm.
• Play and movement: Does your school have outdoor and indoor spaces for movement, play, and exploration (e.g., gym, climbing, swings) to allow students to move throughout their days?
• Choice and options: Do you feel like engaging with others, or not? Do you need to get out of your own head, or do you need to have a space that’s your own? This is why environmental choice is so important.

6. Cultural, Gender, and Historical Context

Policies, protocols, and processes should be responsive to the racial, ethnic, and cultural needs of individuals served by the organization. Look for ways to represent student artwork, for example, or create cultural recognition of different student backgrounds in murals around the school. The environment can help support this through numerous means, including the following strategies.

• Identity anchors: People should see themselves literally or metaphorically in a space; this helps to combat isolation and enhance a sense of belonging.
• Inclusion: Does the space have representation or cultural artifacts from the nondominant culture to signal safety and belonging to members of those cultures in the space?
• Gender affirming: Is the space sensitive to all genders, including people who do not identify with a specific gender? Nongendered bathrooms are one of the most effective ways to do this, but it’s also important to consider other ways to reduce stigma and increase safety for those who are trans, nonbinary, or genderfluid.

As we move forward in applying trauma-informed design approaches to schools, we can help by learning more, leaning in, and being open to seeing the world differently. Most people do not want to see themselves as victims; rather, trauma-informed design is about seeing us all as humans in need of mutual understanding, belonging, and safety.

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In Sept. 2019, Adejoke Adedeji created Nexus of Hope, a psychiatric clinic in Lakeville, Minn., offering a wide range of services from talk therapy to transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), medication-assisted treatment and telehealth. 

When the COVID pandemic struck in 2020, she thought business might slow down.

She was wrong.

“Things got even busier, as we know, you know, a lot of people experience a lot of anxiety and stress during COVID,” she said.

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The psychiatric nurse practitioner said during the height of COVID-19 and the justice movement following the murder of George Floyd by a Minneapolis police officer, she saw more people of color who felt agitated, had questions and were searching for someone who could understand them and share their cultural experiences.

Nexus of Hope founder Adejoke Adedeji works at her desk in the company’s Lakeville, Minn., offices on Sept. 5.

Ben Hovland | MPR News

Adedeji, who was born in the U.S. but grew up in Nigeria, says while there’s been progress, there are still too many people in African immigrant communities who feel too stigmatized by their mental health concerns to seek help. And she says even health privacy laws don’t ease their concerns.

“They are still concerned that things are too close to home,” she said. “So sometimes that is not what they seek out. If they do seek out help, they aren’t seeking out somebody within their culture.”

Adedeji says her own experiences have helped her connect with the people she helps.

She originally went to school with plans on becoming a creative writer — but plans changed once she experienced first-hand the impact of mental illness. In 2010 she lost a cousin to suicide and later that year her youngest brother died very suddenly.

“And so that was very, very hard for the entire community, especially since we really hadn’t been hit with death with young people before,” she said. 

Uplifting messages line the walls inside Nexus of Hope’s Lakeville, Minn., clinic on Sept. 5, a little over a year after moving to its new, larger building.

Ben Hovland | MPR News

Adedeji says that experience taught her quickly about the lack of support in her community when it comes to suicide and illness. 

She made it a goal to remove the stigma by validating people’s experiences. 

“And really exploring all those feelings and knowing that your feelings are valid, and you don’t have to repress them, or hide them,” she said.

Adedeji went on to get her master’s degree in public health from Florida International University, before earning a Master of Science in Nursing at the University of Tennessee. 

Now, she’s helping patients across the country find their voice and a treatment plan. 

Colin Skerrett, 28 from Eden Prairie, Minn., says one of his parents is Black and the other is white. He says seeking treatment for his addiction and anxiety was not an easy journey — until now. 

“Honestly, the way [Adedeji] was able to understand me and both coming from a background that was not your traditional kind of American upbringing really helped,” he said. “There were a lot of similarities that just in my day to day life that were actually kind of big points of contention at that point in time, she was able to understand and appreciate.” 

Olushola Olukoga, 28, has also struggled with anxiety and depression for years. Born in Nigeria, Olukoga said the COVID-19 pandemic was her breaking point. After years of feeling shame for her battle with mental health, she says treatment has been liberating — thanks in big part — to finding a Nigerian therapist. 

Transcranial magnetic stimulation machines, pictured at Nexus of Hope’s Lakeville, Minn., clinic Sept. 5, use a magnetic field to stimulates nerve cells.

Ben Hovland | MPR News

“There were so many times I almost lost my life because of shame, instead of choosing to get proper help,” said Olukoga.“So seeing someone who grew up within those cultural restraints, those conflicts, and not only grew up in it, but like a professional, it did a lot for me, more than [Adedeji] would ever know.”

Olukoga says it was a specific moment during her first time meeting with Adedeji that assured her she found the right therapist. She says it was when Adedeji was open and honest about her own mental health journey, including taking medication and going to therapy. 

Olukoga said that helped calm some of her fears about getting psychiatric treatment.

“Like, are they using me for some kind of experiment? Are you doing stuff for fun? But the fact that she helps people and is not afraid to get help herself if and when she needs it,” Olukoga said. 

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, people of color are less likely to receive mental health services compared to those who are white. In 2021, only 39.4 percent  of Black or African Americans with mental illness accessed treatment, compared to 47.2 percent of all U.S. adults.

Adejoke Adedeji demonstrates the TMS machine at the clinic on Sept. 5. It is used to treat symptoms of depression, OCD and smoking cessation.

Ben Hovland | MPR News

State lawmakers passed legislation in 2022 to build and reform mental health care systems — including an act that creates a grant program for mental health providers who have at least 25 percent of their clients on public insurance or a sliding fee and who primarily serve underrepresented communities. 

Lawmakers also enacted a policy that establishes a juvenile court guardianship program for at-risk youth.

Adedeji knows people are more likely to seek help if they think their provider can  empathize with their background and cultural differences. 

“I’m not saying the problem is going to be fixed right away, or that I have any magic bullet,” she said. “But what can I do today to help ease that suffering? For some people, it is medication; for some people, it’s direction. For some people, it is just normalizing their experiences and letting them know that I’m here.”

The most recent National Alliance on Mental Illness report shows three in 10 adults reported symptoms of anxiety or depression in Feb. 2022, compared to a rate of one in 10 in Jan. 2019.

The report also marks 2022 as a mental health milestone — with the launch of the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

If you or someone you know is in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

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Eleni Vasiliou/Shutterstock

In counseling children and adolescents who are learning to regulate their emotions, I explain that how they think affects how they feel.

This observation was already made over 2,500 years ago. The Buddha is quoted as saying, “What you think you become,” and “We are what we think.”

The basis of psychotherapy involves teaching people how to think differently so that they can feel and function better.

After teaching children to use some basic techniques to regulate their emotions, such as the use of slow, deep breathing, exercise, and self-calming through hypnosis, there is a greater sense of internal control. Thereafter, we discuss the power they can manifest in their minds by changing their thought patterns.

I believe that changing our thinking patterns helps engage different parts of the brain. For instance, we may find ourselves habitually thinking in a particular way that predictably makes us feel poorly, e.g., angry, anxious, or sad. When we shift our thinking, we can more easily create new, healthier thought patterns.

Here are some examples of changing thinking patterns from my counseling practice:

Irritability

People can become angry when they feel that they have been treated poorly or have not gotten their way. The anger occurs because the person focuses on the perceived injustice. However, when the person learns to think about the situation in a different light the anger can dissipate quickly.

For instance, 14-year-old “Sarah” became angry with her parents for restricting her use of social media. We discussed why her parents did so, and Sarah recognized that they were attempting to protect her from some of the ill effects of overusing social media, such as becoming distracted through over-involvement with “friend drama.”

This also led her to lose sleep as she was continually interacting with her peers late into the night. Sarah acknowledged that her lack of sleep had become a significant factor in her development of anxiety.

We discussed how the situation with her parents might change for the better. First, Sarah let go of her anger. She switched from thinking about her frustration with her parents’ imposed restrictions and instead focused her thoughts on how to solve the dilemma regarding her overuse of social media. She was able to recognize that her parents were her valuable allies rather than her opponents.

We talked about how Sarah can better self-regulate her social media use and then encouraged her parents to allow Sarah to become more responsible for her behavior. We hoped these interactions would help prevent future similar acrimony within the family.

Even 6-year-olds can learn to change their thinking pattern to deal with their anger. “Mikey” became recurrently angry with his best friend for playing with Mikey’s toys. We talked about how Mikey likes his toys and does not want them to break. He expressed that he became angry because he was worried that his best friend would not be careful with the toys, as had occurred in the past with a different friend.

I asked Mikey how he might have thought differently about the situation. He realized that his best friend was always careful with toys. Also, I suggested to him that he might feel good by recognizing his best friend’s happiness when he got to play with Mikey’s toys.

Thus, rather than thinking about the possibility that his toys might be broken, Mikey learned to focus on the idea that his best friend would keep them safe, and think about his friend’s happiness. Mikey said he felt better after our discussion.

Often, I offer to reward young children with a small prize, such as a Pokémon card, each time they resolve their anger by thinking differently Many kids learn quickly how to use this cognitive behavioral technique regularly and effectively. Their parents and teachers often report great improvement in their ability to control their emotions.

Anxiety

When Sarah developed anxiety, she became very concerned about doing well in school, so that she could get into a good college. She became so anxious about tests that she started worrying about them several days beforehand. Sarah is also worried about being thought of poorly by her friends. As a result, she started avoiding some social gatherings for fear that people might make fun of her.

We discussed that Sarah’s anxiety developed in part because of how she was thinking. I explained that her anxiety developed when she worried about future events.

I reminded her of the quote by ancient philosopher Lao Tzu: “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the moment.”

Sarah had become anxious by worrying about things that had not yet occurred and may never occur, such as underperforming on tests, the college admissions process, and how her friends might react. Instead, I suggested that she think about how she can study well in the present to prepare for her tests and recognize that she can trust herself to do well in high school, so that admission to a good college will be quite likely.

Regarding her friends, I pointed out that Sarah has many strengths that she can feel good about. Any peer who nonetheless disrespects her is not worthy of being her friend, and thus should not be taken seriously. As Dr. Seuss purportedly said, “Those who matter, don’t mind. Those who mind, don’t matter.”

Through restructuring her thinking pattern Sarah was able to greatly improve her anxiety, and become actively involved in deciding how she might structure her life in a better way.

Sadness

The death of a beloved family member or pet virtually always leads to great sadness because of the loss. The subsequent grief process differs in nature and length among different individuals. However, even within this process, how we think can make a big difference in how we feel and function.

When 12-year-old “Charlie” lost his mother to cancer (after the previous death of his father), he became understandably despondent. He expressed anger that she did not remain alive to take care of him.

He expressed sadness that he felt very lonely. Talking about his feelings with a counselor for a few months did not help him feel any better.

I suggested that using hypnosis, Charlie could imagine talking with his mother’s spirit. After doing so, Charlie reported that the interaction struck him as if he was talking with his mother. Without my prompting, he said that after he imagined her telling him that she loved him, he had decided to forgive his mother.

Within two weeks of learning to think differently about his losses, Charlie was able to start imagining a future without his parents, with the aid of loving members of his extended family. He was able to express gratitude for their support and began playing again with some of his friends.

Takeaway

Frequently, people explain to themselves and others that their poor mood is related to unfortunate circumstances. While holding such a belief, people sometimes take solace in the idea that since they cannot change their circumstances, there should be no expectation that they take charge of improving their feelings.

However, as demonstrated in this post, our emotional response to unfortunate circumstances can be brought under our control and improved through a change in our thinking patterns. Sometimes, that change can even help us figure out new ways to act that also will improve our situation.

Paraphrasing holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Victor Frankl, “We have absolutely no control over what happens to us in life, but we have paramount control over how we respond to those events.”

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One of the latest wellness trends has people wrapping themselves up as mummies and picturing their dead bodies to imagine and come to terms with their eventual death.  

Death meditation, a mindfulness meditation practice centered around thoughts of a person’s death, has taken social media by storm, with 2.5 million views on TikTok and 3,000 posts on Instagram. 

Additionally, classes aimed at making practitioners feel at peace about dying have popped up in major cities like New York and Los Angeles. 

While the practice seems new, it has ancient roots. 

There are several types of death meditation, and some are based on particular Buddhist traditions. One of these is maranasati, or mindfulness of death, which reminds practitioners they could die at any moment and should be prepared. 

One death meditation practice involves visualizing the body’s inevitable decay to let go of attachments to the material world. In some more intense sessions, participants wrap themselves in white sheets to make themselves look and feel like mummies

Maranasati teaches that death is not a scary concept, rather it is a natural process, and thinking about it can lead to a more positive outlook. 

Another death meditation practice involves visualizing the body’s inevitable decay to let go of attachments to the material world. 

In some more intense sessions, participants wrap themselves in white sheets to make themselves look and feel like mummies or they will write their own eulogies to read out loud to a group. 

One class was advertised on Instagram as ‘a breath-guided meditation intended to contemplate death in many forms.’ 

While some methods may be more extreme, death meditation can take a lighter approach, such as imagining details about key moments in your life, such as who was there, how you felt, what it smelled like, and what it sounded like. 

‘It’s amazing for people that have anxiety related to death and dying and intrusive thoughts related to it,’ Dr Carolyn Rubenstein, a licensed psychologist in Florida, told DailyMail.com.

This is because death meditation can be a form of exposure therapy, a technique meant to help overcome fears and anxieties by forcing patients to confront them.

What is mindfulness? 

Mindfulness is a popular form of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment.

The practice involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress.

It is often touted as a universal tool for boosting mental well-being by reducing stress, anxiety and depression.

Mindfulness has become popular in recent years as a way to improve mental and physical well-being. 

Celebrities endorsing it include Emma Watson, Davina McCall, Angelina Jolie and Oprah Winfrey.

‘It doesn’t mean that you have no fear or no anxiety, but you’re able to look at [death] through both the lenses of emotion and logic…so that you are able to focus on the present moment and what’s happening right now,’ Dr Rubenstein said.

Research suggests that death anxiety, known as thanatophobia, has become more prevalent since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic.

A study of Lebanese patients published last year in PLOS One found death anxiety was the most common form of fear related to the pandemic. 

Additionally, a Chinese study published in March found elderly patients aged anywhere from 60 to 96 were most likely to experience death anxiety during the pandemic.

‘People are more willing to talk about [death anxiety]. People are sharing, whereas I think in the past people were more hesitant to share that fear,’ Dr Rubenstein said.

‘Especially with Covid, spirituality and a sense of connection, especially for yourself, became something that people focused on a lot more.’

Opening a dialogue about these fears helps people learn to acknowledge them.  

Another study from the University of Kentucky suggested contemplating death could lead to increased happiness. 

‘Thinking about death fosters an orientation toward emotionally pleasant stimuli,’ study authors Dr Nathan DeWall and Dr Roy Baumeister wrote. 

Dr Rubenstein does not recommend people with severe depression or suicidal ideation practice death meditation.  

‘You don’t want to increase the thoughts related to death and dying and becoming been more comfortable with it for someone who’s already feeling kind of close to that,’ she said.

She does suggest easing into the practice slowly rather than immediately wrapping yourself in a white sheet to look like a mummy. She recommends picturing death as a part of nature’s circle of life or starting with remembering pets who have passed away since their lifespans are shorter.

From there, consider your own death. 

‘You recognize that death is a real thing,’ Dr Rubenstein said. 

‘We’re not immortal, and having that recognition is important so that you make the most of today.’

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If you don’t already know, self-esteem is an essential part of maintaining our emotional and mental health. It is the foundation upon which our confidence, self-respect, and overall happiness are built. However, in today’s world, it is all too easy to allow external factors such as social media to determine our self-worth. We often fall into the trap of seeking validation from others, allowing them to define our identity. What we forget is that self-worth is the key to being happy in life.

To truly embrace our self-worth, we must take charge of our narrative and define it ourselves. First, let us look at whether or not you need to work on your self-esteem.

What defines self esteem?

Many of us unwittingly fall into the trap of seeking approval from others. We gauge our self-worth based on societal standards, social media comments and likes, material possessions, or our positions in life. While these external factors can add value to our lives, they should not be the sole basis of our self-esteem. True self-worth comes from within, from our values, beliefs, and the way we perceive ourselves.

Recognise the signs that you need to work on your self esteem. Image courtesy: Freepik

How can I improve my self esteem?

1. Stop being a people pleaser

Many people lose themselves in the process of pleasing others. You can never make everyone happy. There will be haters. Be okay with that. Constantly seeking approval and trying to please everyone around you can be emotionally draining. The fear of rejection might lead you to compromise on your values and needs. Instead, aim on being authentic to yourself. Value your opinions and decisions, and understand that not everyone needs to approve of them. And for that, choose the right circle. You might lose friends in this process, but that also means those are meant to not be in your life.

2. Draw your boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for protecting your self-worth and self-esteem. Understand that it is okay to say no when something doesn’t align with your values or when you need time for yourself. Boundaries are a sign of self-respect, and they show others how you expect to be treated.

3. Learn to say no

Make sure you are not saying no to yourself whenever you say yes to someone else. Prioritise your needs and desires and be mindful of your limits. Saying no when necessary is not selfish – it is an act of self-preservation.

4. Have a purpose

People moulded with a purpose do not need fancy bags, material possessions, and the ‘likes’ of social media to prove their worth as their self-esteem stems from living and contributing to something greater than themselves. Purpose-driven individuals find fulfilment in their passions, values, and meaningful goals, allowing them to break free from the shackles of external validation and embrace their true worth with confidence and contentment.

Having a purpose will help build your self esteem! Image courtesy: Shutterstock

Tips to build self-esteem

Building self-appreciation is a powerful way to reinforce your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Here are some self-appreciation exercises for you to try:

1. Find a quiet and pleasant space where you can relax and concentrate on yourself.
2. Take a deep breath and center yourself in the present moment.
3. Write a letter to yourself or record a sincere voice message thanking you for being you.
4. Mention things you love about yourself, your strengths, your unique qualities, and the progress you have made in life.
5. Be polite, compassionate, and sincere in your speech or writing when talking to a close friend.
6. Save the voicemail or letter and make it accessible for future hearing or reading.
7. Set aside time regularly to listen to the voice note or read the letter, letting the words of self-appreciation seep into your subconscious mind.
8. Pay attention to the pleasant sentiments and emotions that come up when you read or hear your own words of praise for yourself.
9. Repeat this exercise as much as needed, especially during moments when you feel underappreciated or under-acknowledged.

The only person defining your self-worth and self-esteem should be you, not your parents, teachers, managers, bosses, friends, and lovers. You and just you. And if you do not define it, someone else will for you.

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Some people are so likable that the moment you meet them, you can’t seem to get enough of them, while others take time to warm up to. Some people are shiny objects that are easy to watch, while others can make you feel like you’re not so sure. Although we’re taught to listen to our instincts around people, our instincts aren’t always right and may not always lead us to ‘safety.’

We can fall head over heels for someone (a friend, a colleague, or a lover) who makes us feel seen because they are playful and easy to connect with. Sometimes we connect to people because they make us feel good just being around them — maybe they’re able to talk about hard things and share with honesty. We may connect with others because they share similar interests.

Sometimes it’s synchronistic, while other times we fall for these humans because they make us feel things we don’t feel with many people. Think of someone who tends to ‘love bomb’ new love interests. They might shower them with attention and compliments. They come in hot and ready, telling the other how special they are, attentive to their needs, interested in their thoughts and ideas, essentially making the person feel connected and creating an attachment.

This behaviour can happen in workplaces and social settings as well. It’s easy to get swept up in it. I’m not suggesting that every scenario like this is a red flag, but often it can be.

Signs that someone might not be a good connection for you could be:

• Someone who overshares with you, using ‘vulnerability’ as a way to connect.
• Someone who wants to know everything about you but rarely shares about themselves.
• Someone who shares stories in public places as a way to shock others. When someone is sharing intimate details to get a rise out of others, it can seem like the person is confident, but a lot of the time they’re looking for attention.
• Someone who is constantly telling you how to treat them and not allowing you to express yourself.
• Someone who always blames everyone else for the struggles in their life.  
• Someone who never apologizes or is unable to admit when they’ve messed up.
• Someone who wants you to make all the decisions, which is a sign of someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for their own life.
• Someone who is resistant to having difficult conversations.
• Someone who starts to rely on you for all the difficult things in their life.

When I read through this list, I see parts of me in it or parts of who I used to be (maybe still am in moments). This feels cringy to admit. But just because you see yourself in one or a couple of these points doesn’t mean you’re not a good person. It might mean that you could look at why you show up that way and consider how that impacts those in your life.

It’s fun to be around someone who is exciting and new and brings new energy into your life. We all love that. Yet we have to be weary of becoming too quickly attached to someone like that.  

Not everyone that makes us feel good is good for us. It’s not that we don’t learn something from every person and relationship that moves through our lives, it’s just that some people like creating excitement, but once they are bored and have exhausted all the new sensations they move on.

Having people motivate us to be better versions of ourselves is important, but people who are like stars and shine quick and bright might burn us out and take more than they actually are capable of giving.

Even the behaviours I’ve listed above can be subtle. Sometimes it’s not always obvious because we need space away from them and the situation to see the way we’re being dazzled.

When you get swept up in anyone, just check in and see if you’re losing connection with yourself.

Enjoy people and enjoy your life.  But remember that there is so much value in being aware and grounded in your own body. If something feels too good to be true — it often is.

Noelle Bovon

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