Woody Rini slouched in the Men’s Wearhouse suit, preparing for an evening of small talk and champagne.
Wearing a leather belt and swallowed in a boxy heap of navy fabric, Rini felt dejected by the masculine reflection staring back in the mirror.
Rini and wife Preetha Suresh Rini got into their car and cruised down Interstate 40 to Raleigh to celebrate a friend’s wedding. But as the couple made their way through the downtown streets last June, they spotted a joyful crowd careening across Fayetteville Street. It was Raleigh’s annual Pride festival.
“All these colorful people look so fun,” Rini remembered thinking. “These people seem like they’re expressing themselves and having fun, and I’m here in this tight belt, in this suit and I’m miserable.”
Soon after, the 29-year-old Cary resident began to wonder how to carve out a space among the “colorful people.”
After months of questioning and research, Rini slowly realized that rigid masculinity, like the navy suit, was not a perfect fit.
Rini, who was assigned male at birth, now identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns.
They are one of the 1.2 million Americans who a 2021 UCLA study says identify as non-binary, a growing group of people who feel their gender identities fall outside the typical man-woman structure.
Rini, a self-help author and entrepreneur, is proud of their non-binary identity, but coming out to family and friends came with concerns.
Would people accept them?
Would it change their connection with Preetha?
Would their family understand?
Basketball and bro-talk
As a bubbly child in Richmond, Kentucky, not far from Lexington, Rini had struggled to fit in.
An avid sports fan who played high school basketball, they never connected with the male coaches and teammates who yelled and screamed, they said.
“I guess I always perceived those ‘masculine elements’ as less ‘me,’” they said. “Whatever this ‘man’ thing is, I’m not it.”
As Rini grew into adulthood, they continued to struggle to form meaningful friendships with men.
One night, Rini attended a work function with Preetha, an attorney and UNC Law graduate. As they socialized, Rini spotted a pair of men who seemed to hit it off immediately. Rini tried to join the conversation, but their effortless “bro-talk” was out of reach.
“I always felt like a child when I was trying to be a man around men,” they said.
After the encounter at Raleigh’s Pride festival, Rini began seeking out non-binary content creators on social media. They listened to YouTube testimonials and read personal essays as they grappled with where to rest on the gender spectrum.
Celebrities like singers Demi Lovato and Sam Smith and reality TV star Jonathan Van Ness all played a role in Rini’s journey.
Finally it all clicked.
Rini woke up one morning, turned to Preetha and said, “I think I’m non-binary.”
The announcement surprised their wife of five years, but the two began discussing what Rini’s new identity would mean for their relationship.
Preetha wondered if Rini would eventually want to live as a woman, and how to refer to Rini if not as her husband?
She didn’t know if her workplace would accept her having a non-binary partner.
“Other people get uncomfortable when you step outside the box,” Rini said, “and that was a concern for us.”
But Preetha has been overwhelmingly supportive, they said.
“I could see in her eyes that it didn’t change anything about our relationship and has only made it better in the past nine months since that conversation,” they said.
After several similar conversations, Rini decided to stop using he/him pronouns and start using they/them pronouns.
They embraced some traditionally feminine elements in their wardrobe, like jewelry and bright colors, and feel their identity transcends the man-woman paradigm.
“There’s really nothing left of me that’s masculine,” they said.
Preetha began introducing Rini to people as her spouse.
Only one major consideration remained.
What would Rini’s family say?
Family and the LGBTQ+ community
As a child, Rini attended the Church of Christ in Kentucky. Their family was a “liberal island in a very conservative area,” Rini said, so they were hopeful they would accept Rini’s new identity.
Older sister Sarah Gump was the first to get the coming-out call.
“I wasn’t expecting it. I was surprised,” Gump said. “I’m gonna love my sibling no matter what. But it did kind of make me pause and think, ‘Does this change anything?’ And like my first thought was, ‘Are they still going to be married to Preetha?’”
After assuaging Gump’s concerns, Rini eventually emailed the rest of the family, sharing that they are non-binary.
“My first reaction was ‘I’m totally going to accept and love my child, no matter what, and be supportive,’” said Rini’s 71-year-old mother, Ellen Rini.
“But I don’t really get it,” she said.
Their sister and mother readily admit they still mess up Rini’s new pronouns from time to time.
“It’s a big adjustment,” Ellen Rini said. “Woody has a good attitude about it, and he knows I’m old. I’m the mom, and it’s not gonna be easy for me.”
“Mostly it’s just funny,” said Gump. “Because mom will say, ‘How is they?’ And I’m just, like, ‘Mom, that’s just not it.’ But it’s not like a conflict. It’s just kind of funny, or we correct each other.”
One of the major hurdles the family has faced has been deciding what to call Rini, since gender-neutral terms for describing family relations can be limiting.
“I have 71 years of uncle, son, dad, etc. I liked those words,” Ellen Rini said. So in a sense, I hate to lose those words, but in the bigger picture, Woody being who they really is — are,” she corrected herself.
Gump’s 7-year-old daughter previously called Rini “Uncle Woody.” Gump Googled gender-neutral terms for uncle, but nothing seemed to fit. So, she said, just Woody works for the time being.
Rini said their family’s support has made coming out easier and is touched by how dedicated they are to educating themselves about the LGBTQ+ community.
This year Ellen Rini and Gump attended the pride festival in their hometown, and Ellen recently went to her first drag show.
“Oh, yeah! I had a good time,” she said with a laugh. “I’m trying to broaden my horizons.”
Woody Rini sits with their eight-year-old dog, Willie, at their home in Cary, N.C. on Thursday, June 29, 2023. Rini, who was assigned male at birth, now identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. Kaitlin McKeown/kmckeown@newsobserver.com
The fear of anti-LGBTQ+ hatred
While Rini said they love their home in Cary, they cannot ignore the hostile political climate in North Carolina.
In November, 45,000 people in Moore County lost electricity after a local power station was shot out following a drag show in Southern Pines. Although law enforcement could not connect the attack and efforts to stop the drag show, local drag artists considered it an act of hostility.
Rini feels similarly and said they are upset by the anti-LGBTQ+ legislation being proposed and passed in the state.
In June, a ban on gender affirming care for minors cleared the state Senate.
“It’s terrifying to know it could get much, much worse,” Rini said.
Still, Rini said they are hopeful the LGBTQ+ community and its allies will continue to make progress toward inclusivity.
“I don’t think this battle against queer people will win,” Rini said.
Exploring gender identity
As Rini continues to navigate their newly acknowledged identity, they have begun experimenting with gender presentation. Some of the biggest changes to their appearance this year have been shaving their goatee, growing out their hair and getting their ears pierced.
“As my identity has changed, and especially with the hair and the earrings. I could tell that I was wearing the clothes rather than the clothes dictating me,” they said.
This spring, about a year after coming out, Rini was invited to another wedding and donned the previously dreaded navy suit.
But something was different this time.
With long dark hair, silver studded earrings and a smile a mile wide staring back, they said it finally felt like a perfect fit.
