About 50 texts a day. Minimum. That’s how much my best friend and I text because we’re hundreds of miles away and have been for more than a decade.
Until three months ago when I stopped hearing from her.
At first I thought she was busy, then I thought she might be mad at me. I texted her asking if she was OK. Nothing. I asked a mutual friend if she had heard from her — yes, she had. The weeks piled up, and my tears wouldn’t stop. What was going on? We’ve been friends for 20 years; she’s family. Even my mother texted her, and she eventually got a response: My friend was very busy at work and would text me when she could.
Days later, still nothing.
Why would she text my mother but not me? She had to be mad about something, right?
Research shows that being ghosted — when someone cuts off all communication without explanation — is associated with less satisfaction with life and more helplessness and self-perceived loneliness.
Then I realized — I’m being ghosted. That means when someone cuts off all communication without explanation. It happens, even in nonromantic relationships.
I combed through the past 90 days seeking what I said or did to make her mad. I pondered. I talked my mom’s and my husband’s ears off, so I made extra therapy appointments.
I’m still so incredulous that this could happen to us. It feels unreal. I’ve managed not to cry the past few weeks, but it’s like I’m missing an appendage. Like my heart has broken, and even if I put it back together again, it will never be the same.
I will grieve her forever.
I’m sure some of you can relate. This happens a lot. A 2018 survey in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reports about 40% of 1,300 people had been ghosted by a friend.
Another study in the National Library of Medicine reports that 626 adults (303 males, 323 females) ages 18 to 40 completed an online survey asking if they had been ghosted or breadcrumbed (when someone is flirting with another person but knows that the relationship will not advance). They were then asked to complete three scales regarding satisfaction with life, loneliness and helplessness. Those who reported breadcrumbing/ghosting reported less satisfaction with life and more helplessness and self-perceived loneliness.
Story continues
That’s what I felt when I didn’t hear from her in the first few days. Loneliness. I had saved memes to send her, and things kept popping into my head to tell her. Instead, I stared at my phone in between work breaks, the silence unnerving me.
This can’t be all about me. I tried to make it about me in the beginning unintentionally, but from everything I’ve read, and what my therapist has told me, it’s not. It’s about her.
But I don’t know what she’s going through. What I can do is let her know that I’m here for her (which I have).
What I can focus on is my mental health. I won’t lie — this was fuel for my depression and anxiety, but my defenses are up. I’m going to therapy more, and I’m practicing self-care. I’m fragile. Hate to admit it.
At first all I did was cry, but then I decided to focus on my other friendships. She was always No. 1, and I never had to put much effort into others. That’s what I thought, at least. Now I’m nurturing my other relationships, remembering just why we’re friends in the first place, and I’m so thankful for each one. I even reconnected with my childhood best friend, something I’ve longed to do for decades.
When God shuts a door, right?
I’m trying to accept that I’ll never hear from my best friend again. I tell myself that what she’s doing is hurtful and that I don’t deserve it. But I’d be lying if I said I’m not waiting on her call or text.
I can’t explain it. I probably will never have to.
How to handle being ghosted
Sit with your feelings
It’s OK to feel what you’re feeling. If you feel like crying, cry. If you’re angry, that’s OK, too.
Write it outVenting on paper always makes me feel better. You can write him/her a letter and never send it — or you can send it and feel like you have closure.
Know it’s not your faultWhen someone disappears on you, it’s not anything you did. He/she is likely going through a difficult time and can’t express what they’re feeling. It may be a coping mechanism.
Take care of youPractice self-care. Make sure you’re doing everything you need to do to be healthy.
Talk to someoneTalk to a trusted friend, family member or therapist. This will help you sort out your feelings and create your plan of action.
Heather Loeb
For more than 20 years, Heather Loeb has experienced major depression, anxiety and a personality disorder, while also battling the stigma of mental health. She is the creator of Unruly Neurons (www.unrulyneurons.com), a blog dedicated to normalizing depression and a member of state Rep. Todd Hunter’s Suicide Prevention Taskforce.
Mind Matters
Now more than ever we need to take care of our mental health. Guest columnist Heather Loeb discusses why and explores other important mental health topics in this special series.
This article originally appeared on Corpus Christi Caller Times: Mental Health Matters: How to cope when you’ve been ghosted
