A ‘Fake It Till You Make It’ Approach to Compassion

In 2016, a male skier slammed into Gwyneth Paltrow on a hill at a Utah ski resort, or at least that’s what a jury recently concluded after the man sued Paltrow for running into him. Terry Sanderson, now 76, sued Paltrow for millions of dollars (later amended to $300,000) after sustaining lasting injuries in the accident. Paltrow claimed it was Sanderson who ran into her, and on March 30, the jury sided with Paltrow (Valdez, 2023).

Although Paltrow, as a rich celebrity, may not have experienced the same degree of financial stress that many defendants do, the litigation went on for years. It must have been stressful to have a court case hanging over her and her family for so long. It could have been embarrassing to have to appear in livestreamed court for over a week. It was probably frustrating, if not angering, to be falsely accused of lying.

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And yet when Paltrow left the courtroom and passed by Sanderson, she stopped to turn to him, touched him on the shoulder, and said, “I wish you well.” Sanderson replied, “Thank you, dear” (O’Kane, 2023). In the moment, I was able to postpone my typical analyses of behavior and just be moved.

Compassion or Snark?

Many on social media have suggested (perhaps sometimes in jest) that Paltrow’s statement was sarcastic, “petty,” “pure troll,” or subtly threatening (Cao, 2023; Marcin, 2023). At least one clinical psychologist suggested that saying something like “I wish you well” is just a way to deal with an uncomfortable situation (Spratt, 2023), although Paltrow had a clear line to the exit—she didn’t have to stop. Is our society so littered with incivility that we struggle to recognize kindness? Although I admit I cannot read Paltrow’s mind, I would tend to trust the perception of Sanderson who received the well wishes—he called them “very kind” (O’Kane, 2023).

Part of what moved me was that Paltrow’s kind words, though small in scope, came at a time when the top news stories were the Nashville school shootings and threats of “death and destruction” over Trump’s indictment (Haberman et al., 2023). Paltrow’s words also stood in stark contrast to the everyday incivilities which have been on the rise (Frimer et al., 2022).

Regardless of Paltrow’s exact intentions, there is something beneficial in just speaking words of compassion. For one thing, such a kind act getting mainstream airtime can model compassion for countless viewers. In conflicts, being kind or polite can help bring about a resolution or at least keep the conflict from escalating.

Mindfulness and Loving-Kindness Meditation

But even while you’re alone, speaking such words out loud or in your mind toward yourself or others, even your enemies, has potential benefits (even if your enemies don’t deserve kind words). Such self-talk is part of some mindfulness practices and what can be called metta meditation or loving-kindness meditation.

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A mindfulness practice basically involves relaxation and attending to the present moment. Then in this state, there are a variety of loving-kindness phrases that you can repeat—there are usually three in row—they can include, “may you be happy,” “may you be well,” and “may you be free of suffering.” There are numerous websites and videos that can walk you through the practice, but professor of medicine Jon Kabat-Zinn, writer Jack Kornfield, and psychologist Tara Brach are at least three names worth Googling.

It might seem silly or superficial to some to speak those phrases. A heads-up to those readers: Many videos and tutorials might seem overly spiritual or even flowery—I mean it’s not just kindness but loving-kindness. You might have to shop around to find a site less aversive to you. And you might think there’s no way a self-respecting person can say those things to one’s enemy—indeed that aspect of metta meditation can be challenging. It’s like turning the other cheek but worse. But even a brief exercise of repeating those phrases can do wonders for many people.

Mindfulness Essential Reads

Research has shown that just several minutes of a mindfulness or loving-kindness practice, among everyday people as well as clinicians, can reduce prejudices and biases, increase empathy, and increase “compassionate responding to suffering” (Burgess et al., 2017). It’s more than just inducing a positive mood or happiness—indeed just happiness if anything can increase stereotyping and interpersonal bias (Bodenhausen et al., 1994; Stalder & Cook, 2014). Researchers have suggested that it’s the social or “other-regarding” nature of emotions like loving kindness that is crucial in reducing prejudices (Stell and Farsides, 2016).

A “Virtuous Circle”

There may also be a “fake it until you make it” aspect of the practice, whereby you might not be feeling actual compassion right away but it comes later (Spratt, 2023). Cognitive dissonance theory suggests that even though our feelings about someone typically precede our behavior toward them, behavior forced for other reasons can cognitively compel us to adopt consistent feelings. Hurting someone can cause you to dislike them, and treating someone kindly can cause you to like them in what psychologists Tavris and Aronson (2007) called a “virtuous circle.” Similarly, doing a favor for someone can increase your liking for them, sometimes called the “Benjamin Franklin effect” (Becher, 2011). Liking someone, in turn, makes it more difficult to harbor prejudice or bias toward them.

Essentially, we can trick our brains into certain emotions by forcing certain behaviors. Hypothetically, training yourself or your children to be in the habit of saying things like “I wish you well” can breed compassion and reduce the likelihood of prejudice and bias.

Beyond Paltrow

Paltrow is known to practice transcendental meditation, which may overlap with mindfulness practices. But there are many better role models who do more than speak a few kind words who would deserve mention in a post about kindness. I’m tapping a high-profile news story to try to reach more readers. Some of you are already naturally kind. For others, maybe just give it a try—force the superficial kindness and see if it might grow into more.

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