‘My ex-wife, now my partner, refuses physical intimacy’

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rediffGURU Ashish Sehgal, who holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare, offers relationship advice.
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Shammi: Hi My ex-wife lives with me under live in relationship for last 7 years. But since last 8 months she refused physical relationship. I do not understand what is her problem: mental or physical? At the time of our mutual divorce I pleaded with her to not to go for divorce but she did not listen. At that time I said to her that I will not take back again you in my life but for my son I agreed to take back at my home. Her lover cheated with her and after one year of our divorce he left her. Now what I should do? Should I remarry with her? I need your suggestion

Here are some steps to consider:

Communication: It’s crucial to have an open and honest conversation with your ex-wife about your concerns and feelings. Ask her about her reasons for refusing physical intimacy and if there are any underlying issues, whether mental or physical, that she is dealing with. Encourage her to share her perspective as well.

Seek Professional Help: If your ex-wife’s refusal of physical intimacy is causing distress in your relationship, consider seeking the assistance of a relationship counselor or therapist. A professional can help both of you explore your feelings, communicate better, and work through any issues that may be affecting your relationship.

Consider Your Son: Since you mentioned that you agreed to have your ex-wife live with you primarily for the sake of your son, it’s important to prioritize his well-being. Evaluate how your current living arrangement and relationship dynamics are affecting him. A stable and harmonious environment is typically beneficial for children.

Personal Happiness: Reflect on your own feelings and happiness. Are you content with the current living arrangement, even without physical intimacy, or do you desire a deeper romantic relationship? It’s important to consider your own needs and happiness in this situation.

Legal and Financial Matters: If you decide to remarry or make significant changes to your living arrangement, consider consulting with a legal professional to understand any potential legal and financial implications.

Time and Patience: Relationships can be complex, and it may take time to resolve issues and understand each other’s perspectives. Patience and understanding can be valuable during such times.

Ultimately, the decision to remarry or continue your current arrangement is a personal one that should be based on what you believe is best for you, your ex-wife, and your son. It may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a professional therapist or counselor to help navigate these complex emotions and decisions.

Anonymous: I’m 36 yr old married man and have sex with my wife 2-3 times a month. We both satisfy each other as each session last for 20-25 mins. Only problem is I feel like having sex every single day and my wife doesn’t feel the same. What should I do?

It’s common for couples to have different levels of sexual desire, and this difference can sometimes lead to feelings of frustration or dissatisfaction. Here are some steps you can consider to address this situation:

Open Communication: The first and most important step is to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your desires and feelings. Make sure you approach this discussion with empathy and without judgment.

Listen to Her Perspective: Ask your wife how she feels about the frequency of your sexual encounters. It’s important to understand her perspective and any factors that may be contributing to her lower libido, such as stress, health issues, or changes in her life.

Explore the Reasons: Try to understand the reasons behind your different levels of desire. Sometimes, underlying issues like relationship problems, stress, or unresolved emotional issues can affect one’s libido.

Seek Professional Help: If the difference in sexual desire is causing significant tension or dissatisfaction in your relationship, consider consulting a sex therapist or couples counselor. They can help you both explore your desires, identify any underlying issues, and work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

Compromise: In many cases, couples find a compromise that works for both partners. This might involve finding ways to enhance your emotional connection outside the bedroom, exploring different ways of being intimate that don’t necessarily involve intercourse, or finding activities that both of you enjoy.

Self-Care: It’s important for you to take care of your own needs and desires as well. Engage in self-care activities and hobbies that can help you manage your sexual frustration in a healthy way.

Respect Boundaries: It’s crucial to respect your wife’s boundaries and not pressure her into more frequent sexual activity than she’s comfortable with. Consent and mutual desire are essential for a healthy sexual relationship.

Stay Patient and Understanding: Remember that sexual desire can fluctuate over time and may be influenced by various factors. Continue to communicate openly with your partner and be patient as you work through this issue together.

RUPINDER: How to overcome claustrophobia?

Overcoming claustrophobia, the fear of enclosed spaces or situations, involves a step-by-step approach that blends self-help techniques with the guidance of professionals specializing in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and life coaching. Here’s a revised version of the steps you can take:

Knowledge and Awareness: Begin by learning about claustrophobia and its triggers. Recognize that this is a common anxiety disorder and not something isolated to you alone. Understanding its nature can help alleviate some of the fear associated with it.

Gradual Exposure: Ease into challenging situations that trigger your claustrophobia. Start with those that cause minimal discomfort. For instance, if elevators trigger your anxiety, begin by standing near one without getting in, and progressively work your way up to stepping inside for short periods. Gradual exposure can help desensitize your fear response.

Relaxation Techniques: Incorporate relaxation practices like deep breathing, meditation, and mindfulness. These techniques can assist in reducing anxiety when confronting triggering scenarios.

Visualization: Envision yourself in situations that usually evoke claustrophobia. Visualize yourself remaining calm and composed. This technique empowers you to build a sense of control and confidence.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP): Consult with an NLP practitioner who specializes in addressing phobias. NLP can help reframe thought patterns and behaviors associated with claustrophobia, assisting you in altering your perception of triggering situations.

Life Coaching Support: Engage a life coach who is experienced in guiding individuals through overcoming fears. A life coach can provide motivation, encouragement, and practical strategies for managing claustrophobia.

Virtual Reality Exposure: Some professionals use virtual reality to create simulated environments that trigger your claustrophobia in a controlled setting. This method allows you to practice coping strategies within a safe environment.

Support Network: Communicate your struggles with friends and family. Having a supportive network can offer understanding and encouragement during your journey.

Professional Guidance: If your claustrophobia significantly impacts your daily life, consider seeking help from an NLP practitioner or life coach. They can customize strategies and provide guidance tailored to your specific needs.

Patience and Progress: Understand that conquering claustrophobia is a gradual process. Celebrate even the smallest victories and maintain patience with yourself.

Remember that you’re embarking on a personal journey of growth and transformation. If your claustrophobia is disrupting your life, seeking assistance from a professional well-versed in NLP and life coaching is recommended. Their expertise can provide targeted approaches to help you overcome your fears and enhance your quality of life.

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