Mindful Mondays: Just because someone makes you feel good, doesn't mean they're good for you.

Some people are so likable that the moment you meet them, you can’t seem to get enough of them, while others take time to warm up to. Some people are shiny objects that are easy to watch, while others can make you feel like you’re not so sure. Although we’re taught to listen to our instincts around people, our instincts aren’t always right and may not always lead us to ‘safety.’

We can fall head over heels for someone (a friend, a colleague, or a lover) who makes us feel seen because they are playful and easy to connect with. Sometimes we connect to people because they make us feel good just being around them — maybe they’re able to talk about hard things and share with honesty. We may connect with others because they share similar interests.

Sometimes it’s synchronistic, while other times we fall for these humans because they make us feel things we don’t feel with many people. Think of someone who tends to ‘love bomb’ new love interests. They might shower them with attention and compliments. They come in hot and ready, telling the other how special they are, attentive to their needs, interested in their thoughts and ideas, essentially making the person feel connected and creating an attachment.

This behaviour can happen in workplaces and social settings as well. It’s easy to get swept up in it. I’m not suggesting that every scenario like this is a red flag, but often it can be.

Signs that someone might not be a good connection for you could be:

Someone who overshares with you, using ‘vulnerability’ as a way to connect.
Someone who wants to know everything about you but rarely shares about themselves.
Someone who shares stories in public places as a way to shock others. When someone is sharing intimate details to get a rise out of others, it can seem like the person is confident, but a lot of the time they’re looking for attention.
Someone who is constantly telling you how to treat them and not allowing you to express yourself.
Someone who always blames everyone else for the struggles in their life.
Someone who never apologizes or is unable to admit when they’ve messed up.
Someone who wants you to make all the decisions, which is a sign of someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for their own life.
Someone who is resistant to having difficult conversations.
Someone who starts to rely on you for all the difficult things in their life.

When I read through this list, I see parts of me in it or parts of who I used to be (maybe still am in moments). This feels cringy to admit. But just because you see yourself in one or a couple of these points doesn’t mean you’re not a good person. It might mean that you could look at why you show up that way and consider how that impacts those in your life.

It’s fun to be around someone who is exciting and new and brings new energy into your life. We all love that. Yet we have to be weary of becoming too quickly attached to someone like that.

Not everyone that makes us feel good is good for us. It’s not that we don’t learn something from every person and relationship that moves through our lives, it’s just that some people like creating excitement, but once they are bored and have exhausted all the new sensations they move on.

Having people motivate us to be better versions of ourselves is important, but people who are like stars and shine quick and bright might burn us out and take more than they actually are capable of giving.

Even the behaviours I’ve listed above can be subtle. Sometimes it’s not always obvious because we need space away from them and the situation to see the way we’re being dazzled.

When you get swept up in anyone, just check in and see if you’re losing connection with yourself.

Enjoy people and enjoy your life. But remember that there is so much value in being aware and grounded in your own body. If something feels too good to be true — it often is.

Noelle Bovon

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