Tips for Finding Meaning in Loss

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Undeniably, mourning life’s losses, such as the death of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or our own health, is one of the most difficult parts of life. When we lose someone or something near and dear to us, our grief and the degree to which we feel it is a reflection of the connection we’ve lost. We feel grief when we lose someone or something we loved, liked, or even hated.

Thanks to the pioneering research of Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, we now know that grieving is a process made up of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. David Kessler, a grief researcher, grief counselor, and author, conceptualized and added a sixth stage to the grieving process, “finding meaning,” soon after losing his son to an accidental overdose. Kessler purports that “finding meaning” focuses on replacing the painful emotions related to loss with feelings such as love and gratitude in addition to gaining new and positive perspectives and awareness. For example, finding meaning can be having feelings of gratitude for the time one had with their loved one, gaining wisdom regarding one’s mortality and the shortness of life, recognizing the value of life, or doing charitable work that honors a loved one’s memory, all of which brings meaning to one’s life.

Loss and Social Media

Undoubtedly, social media has changed the way we experience and express grief, and while it can offer some forms of support, it can also make mourning and finding meaning in loss more difficult. For example, unexpected reminders expose the grieving person to over-exposure to information like updates, photos, and videos related to their lost loved one. It’s all too easy for personal moments of mourning to be shared on social media platforms without users’ consent, making it possible for friends and family to share photos or stories of a loved one while potentially causing discomfort or infringing on the grieving person’s privacy.

Another way that social media can make mourning messy is by creating comparisons and putting pressure on users to grieve in certain ways. More and more studies indicate the connection between social media use and negative social comparisons. In regards to grief and mourning, social media can put pressure on users to publicly display their grief in ways that meet “societal expectations” rather than users authentically expressing their true thoughts and feelings. In this way, social media has the potential to create more stress and anxiety for the bereaved during an already difficult time. Lastly, it can be challenging for social media users to escape reminders, posts, memories, and tags of their lost loved one when intertwined with their own social media feeds.

It’s important to keep in mind that grieving is different for each and every one of us. Just as no two people share the same DNA, we all have our own unique ways of grieving. Loss is a part of life and the human condition. In a nutshell, living means loss. Although no amount of time can fully heal an achy heart stemming from loss, finding meaning in grief undoubtedly can enrich our lives and our relationships.

Below are six tips for finding meaning in loss in the digital age:

1. Don’t compare your loss with another person’s. People often use social media as a platform for sharing their experiences and emotions publicly, and it can make others feel inadequate. In general, comparisons undermine our sense of self, chip away at our self-esteem, and impede healthy grieving. Living means loss for each and every one of us.
2. Embrace your feelings. There is no set or prescribed way to grieve. Too often, the feelings we try so hard to resist persist. Be cognizant of not setting limits or rules around your feelings. An example of such rules could be the expectation to be over your loss in 30 days. Or feeling pressure from others, such as from close relatives or friends, to be further along in your grieving process. Write down your thoughts, your feelings, and the memories you have of your loved one. Journaling is a great emotional outlet because it helps with identifying and acknowledging our emotions.
3. Create your own unique ritual or way of remembering your loved one. For example, going to a special place you shared together, such as a park, special restaurant, or museum, can connect a grieving person to their loved one in a meaningful and comforting way.
4. Join a support group. Whether it’s an in-person group, a virtual group, or both, having a support network helps reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness while going through the grieving process.
5. Follow educational, supportive, and inspirational social media accounts that focus on aspects of healthy grieving and mourning. Gaining an understanding of what to expect during the mourning and grieving process can help with putting plans in place for challenging times such as holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays.
6. Be mindful of your social media habits within the first year of your grieving. Grief and mourning are hard work spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Avoid adding unnecessary emotional pain and anxiety stemming from social media scrolling.

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